So I told myself I would do a news update about me and my life. The site is turning more and more into a multimedia playground, which I can’t say I’m opposed to, but I do feel the need to speak on it and vent when necessary. Not that this is such a time, really.
I’ve been feeling good. My imagination has been slowly coming back to me. Not to say I could have ever truly lost my imagination, but one of the things I truly enjoyed doing when I was growing up was getting lost in my mind, which sounds a lot less gay than saying getting lost in my own imaginary worlds. DnD has always been a bit of an outlet for such things, especially being a dungeon master. All your typical creative juices go towards consistency and creation of a world which you know yourself has multiple seams and tears, but doing your best to hide these from the other player characters and allowing them to get enveloped in a world. This sapped me of most of my creative powers for a while, and they are just now starting to reappear in my brain. I can tell because I’m starting to have dreams again.
Dreams have always been a double-sided sword for me, though. While I enjoy dreaming and the idea of infinite realms and all, they always frustrate me in the morning. Not that they are good, but because all of my thoughts and actions in the dreams lack any real depth. It frustrates me that most of my dreams revolve around nonsense situations that have people I know in real life doing nonsense things. Like why would any of my friends ever get involved in a ballet/theatre group rehearsing a rendition of Macbeth? Why, I ask you!?! It makes no sense! Or why a friend’s old girlfriend, whom I never really knew or was even well acquainted with, would be at my house, for it was a house I owned at the time of this dream. The nonsense does nothing but drive me closer to the edge of wishing my imagination would STFU and GTFO.
But during my waking hours, my imagination serves me pleasantly. Allowing me to get transfixed in another tireless world of true human emotion and depth, much like a novel that has Fabio on its cover, my imagination during consciousness is a delight and one I am glad to have participate in my daily activities once more.
I have ordered equipment for my drum set, and my roommate Matt has purchased an electric guitar. I tuned his acoustic for him, using my ears. HA! I guess I do have a bit of musical ability still. I ordered one of those “Teach yourself to drum” books. I hope all goes well and I become a rock star within 6 months. I have goals. Good thing I’m not a perfectionist. I recently plugged my video camera in again, and after some tomfoolery got it to work proper-like once again.
I finished Beyond Good & Evil yesterday. FINALLY! That was on my To-Do list for over 2 years, but I finally finished the sucker. Now, as to whether or not I really learned much, that’s debatable. The problem is it’s a book that really could afford discussions after certain sections, at least the ones I found entertaining enough to write to memory. I would say about 10% of the book stuck with me, if that. What did stick firmly in my mind upon finishing the book was this one thought, which admittedly I had concluded to long before finishing, Neitzche is a prude. I’ve thought long and hard on which adjective properly fits him. Ass, juvenile, angry old man, idiot. Many of these came to mind. But like all good philosophers, he has an argument for why any who are not in line with his thinking are in fact these very same things. I can say that I do feel better having finished it, and have a better understanding for his mind-set, but I doubt I would pick it up again without a group to warrant the trench through his debacle and charade of moral insight.
I will now move on to either Pride, Prejudice & Zombies, or A Collection of Essays by George Orwell. I’ve read a bit of Orwell already, and it was almost enough to sway me away from Beyond Good & Evil, but determination and self-will are still predominant genes of mine. Curiosity probably sits in the 4th seat on the bus.
On a nerdier side, I’ve held off on any purchases as of late. I feel as though I need to save money, as things are starting to get tight. I have been playing some games though, and did manage to beat Left 4 Dead on Expert on all 4 campaigns. To any who have played this game on said difficulty, you can attest to the sheer magnitude of such a task. Allow me to further explode your minds by saying I did it with just one friend and two AI, at all times. Offline Co-op is not ideal, however doing random games with online folks is definitely more frustrating. After the 3rd or 4th time of the same person joining our game merely to shoot our team in the back, the accessibility of online play loses some of its grandeur. I’ve also deviated from the cartoons that normally soak up my free hours and instead replaced it with BBC’s Planet Earth. I know I’m catching the bug a few years behind the rest of the world, but alas my ideas of wordly development did not extend past Taco Bell until recent.
Not too much else is going on. I will be visiting Maryland soon. My mother moved back to stay with my grandmother and take care of one of my sick aunts. It seems insensitive, but I believe it’s all for the better to remind people that life is a privilege, not an entitlement. Believing in this leads to a thankfulness in life that can’t be untaught. It’s a shame that we only recognize this during times of loss. I like to think myself better, but I’ve been absorbed in myself as of late. I’ve let sweeping waves of mild (if it can possibly come in varying degrees) depression dictate my actions and thoughts. I suppose I can be pretty good at hiding it. I have always been good with masks, despite how honest a person I try to be. Which brings me to a thought.
I’ve often done my best to change myself, to better myself, to believe that despite what goes on in the world, I at least have inner control, and at least with that I can change something. But I often have the lingering thought that maybe all the things I’m changing are in fact to better improve the mask I wear. At what point does self improvement become denial of self? When improvement becomes a chore? Could it possibly be at the time that one determines that the worth is no longer justified, but we press on in determination that our pride and self image are in fact cause enough? I’ve always told myself never to allow social status to provoke and instigate any internal changes. Outside forces tend to come and go, much like the wind pushing a flower. It’s the internal growth that I believe makes the difference. But, as the saying goes, we are our own worst critic. I just wonder if maybe these attempts to improve are in fact surging from my inabilities to understand and participate in modern day social structures. I mean I have friends and I fit in with the ones I have. I can think of a few that I feel are having a wonderful impact on my life as of late, both internally and externally. I don’t think this goes against my belief, I feel like they are merely adding a perspective to my narrow view that I was previously uncomfortable with. And I love those people for it. It’s because of this perspective that I have to closely look at myself and wonder, where does the face stop and the mask start? Maybe this whole time I’ve tried to be true to myself and show as little of a mask as I can was in fact the mask all along? This seems too easy though. Too trite. Too cliche. Maybe my mask is the paranoia I allow to dominate in my external encounters. God, if I had as much control over my paranoia as any other aspect of my personality, I don’t think I would be nearly as awkward. I often want to escape the whole idea but just starting over. Not by leaving my friends or family or anything so externally drastic. Just re-write my personality. My behaviors. My likes and dislikes. It’s all easily programmable enough. Maybe that’s why masks are so prevalent in my life. Because I find rewiring myself to be such an easy task. Maybe.
That’s all I got. A bit of news and a bit of internal philosophical banter. I do hope the best for you all.