Another arbitrary post. Things have been well for me. I’ve managed to barely stay afloat financially. I am moving out in two months to a new apartment. I’m still working 40 hours a week, and will possibly progress further into the IT field with a year or so of training as a LAN tech. If I did that I would be able to pretty much handle any kind of basic IT job and have over 4 years worth of experience at it. That’s not bad, but if I were serious about it I would have to start getting certifications and that just doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.
Playing lots of games, no new ones thank goodness. I don’t need to spend more money. But none of that is very fulfilling. I feel a good rant coming on and I’m going to let it out, for once. What’s there to lose?
And that’s pretty much what this rant is all about. I’ve become increasingly frustrated at people. This is, believe it or not, a rare occurrence. I’ve long been fascinated by people and trying to figure out the logic behind people’s thoughts and actions. What kind of inhibitions and sub conscience blocks people have that help them determine the most idiotic of choices as a viable option for living their life. This ranges all over. Like what compels someone to find mudding a fascinating event. Or why listening to white noise is a soothing sound for some. Or why some people find blatant racism an enjoyable past-time. I like to think that because I’ve invested so much time and thought into this, that I am rarely at a position to find any real faults to these things. I am able to perceive and learn, but not get involved. By being able to understand, it becomes naturally difficult for me to really get frustrated at people. Because in the end I can rationalize how they came to such a thought, however irrational it might be.
One thing I’ve noticed in these casual researches is a need. Almost everyone has a need they crave from social interaction. I find the most fulfilling of these encounters come from those who are readily willing to give and those readily willing to receive love. The people who are searching for deeper connections, commitments in life, or just someone who wants to be that ear for you while you scream about the world. For me, at least, these are by far more engaging and enlightening than any other relationship I’ve ever had. And I become as giddy as a catholic school girl on prom night when I find another person willing to traverse these dark waters with me.
Because in the end it is a very scary ordeal, at least it becomes more intense the farther you are willing to invest yourself. Most people aren’t willing to engage very far with anyone that isn’t someone they boink in the bedroom while your parents are away on vacation and you are house-sitting and the cleaning guy happens to come knock on the door and stare through the window while your boney white anus panics and runs to find some clothes and the girl is just sitting their laughing hysterically. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to invest in just one person, I understand for most that is the easiest way of not getting hurt. Invest wholly into someone who you know won’t hurt you. I believe this is something that can be shared with anyone who is willing. I am willing to invest as much of myself into a relationship as someone is willing to take it. I might be making a bold claim, but I believe it to be true and I don’t think there are many people who feel the same way I do.
But, as so often happens, we don’t invest because we believe in the end we will get hurt. We let that fear keep us from opening to others, because people do often have secondary motives. People aren’t above using other people and their feelings to progress themselves. Some people make a habit of it. Then there are people who do this by accident. Let’s be honest, accidents happen and people’s feelings are always bound to get hurt. It’s kind of unavoidable. But unfortunately, I don’t think my situation falls under either of these categories.
I’ve talked about Heathbar on here once before, and I mentioned I just went up and saw her. My relationship with Heather was/still is one of my favorite relationships with any human being. I always felt a sense of nothing-to-lose in it but always felt I gained something after every encounter. Just her presence in my life was something I was grateful for many a day. Someone you were always giving them the benefit of the doubt, always giving merit to their input, always over-analyzing their statements, however mundane and arbitrary. Our friendship didn’t bloom until she had moved into Arkansas, and for about a year it was really good. We talked almost every night on the phone, just talking about the most inane of things. She loved to talk and I loved to listen, it worked well.
Life has progressed a bit since the proverbial “glory days” and things have obviously changed. I was disheartened a bit after my trip to see her in Oklahoma. She looked as if life had worn her down. Her fury and tenacity for life all seemed weathered and sullen. I did my best to just be cheerful and well-spirited, but I couldn’t help but feel like she was on the verge of crashing. She seems lost right now. She believes God wants her in Oklahoma right now, and I am definitely not in the position to say otherwise, but I can tell that her mental health was starting to be affected by her lifestyle. She is working at a guitar pedal making company, doing circuit boards and the like. She has aspirations and I feel like she isn’t pursuing them as hard as she once did.
Which is understandable. She tried the “make it as a christian band” thing for over a year and got no results. She still writes and wants to be involved, but her aim is less high and so is her drive for it. So I naturally just want to try and be a good friend. I want to be there for her and show her despite how she might be feeling there is one person who wouldn’t dare turn his back. Someone who is willing to forego whatever it takes. I mean I drove to both Arkansas and Oklahoma by myself to come see this person. There isn’t a lot I wouldn’t do to make her a happy person. So I try calling her. I want to just talk to her, try and get her talking again. Get things off her chest. That used to be all I could do and I think it did help. But she won’t really answer/return my calls anymore.
So after a while of this, I got desperate. I became shaken at the idea of losing a friend because I didn’t take any action myself, because I didn’t try hard enough. Screw that, I thought. So I wrote an email, as that seemed to be the only decent way of getting ahold of her. I awaited a response, and it’s been well over a week now with no word and still no answered calls. So all that to say I am feeling pretty down. I don’t think she thinks we aren’t friends, but she just doesn’t have the time for me and my shenanigans right now and probably won’t until the next time I try to come visit her.
But it’s so disheartening! That’s why I’m frustrated. I can’t understand that logic. Well, I can, but I whole-heartedly disagree with it. I know I’m the weird one in feeling this way, but I can’t understand why people would be afraid. I’ve trusted people with a lot before, and I’ve been let down, I’ve been stabbed in the back. I’ve had a friend who out-right stole from me and it was terribly hard for me to get over it. But I can’t imagine investing in someone for over 5 years and then just dropping that person, especially for no real reason, at least none I can imagine. Why would anyone throw away love so easily? It’s lunacy.
So that’s where I am. Wanting desperately, longing anxiously for anything. A call, a letter, any sign of life. I loathe the day I do something like this. I hope I never give up another person’s affection for any reason. That seems like an empty and pointless life. I wish so badly things were different. I long for calls at 3AM about guitars and the last song they recorded, in that surfer-girl dialect she picked up from God knows where, laughing uncontrollably about tipping cows and camping out and at the end of it, remembering that the person on the other end loves them, and that’s enough. And it would always be enough.
Maybe I’m an idealist. But life’s curves seem a lot scarier without that. I don’t like to think I’ve lost a friend, even though I’ve already lost 3 people I said I would never lose touch with. And all of those make me even more temperamental. I guess I’m frustrated because I feel like I misread her or missed something along the lines. And it feels maddening. Maybe I’m paranoid. That is a likely scenario. I mean tomorrow she might actually call me and all of this would be one giant misunderstanding. That’s the ideal scenario. Only time will tell.
So that’s my rant. More later I suppose.