So. I’m alive. I was sick last Thursday, so much so I actually had to miss work. Things have been OK lately. Friday I hung out with Brit at his house for his nerd party. Lots of SF4 and lots of SSB 64. I felt the impulse to buy a few games, so I bought Mega Man 9, Bionic Commando Rearmed, Linger in the Shadows and Burnout Paradise all of the PS Store. Beat all but Wily in Mega Man 9, actually don’t care for Bionic Commando, Linger in the shadows is just fun to watch, but Burnout Paradise I do enjoy a bit.
I’ve been craving a good racing game and this is right up my alley. Racing with a good TOTAL DESTRUCTION element, but not quite as annoying as FlatOut. Also, I’ve been playing FF7:Crisis Core. Dave let me borrow his PSP so I’ve been raping that. I haven’t caught up to him in the story, which isn’t even halfway through the game, but I am already level 53, 15 higher than Dave’s character, and average about 15000 damage a hit now. I’m one-hitting all the story line enemies right now. It’s quite nice. 🙂
So I’ve practically completely abandoned 3D. I hate that. I need to get back into it something fierce. Every time I see Dana, her roommate Greg, who is a student at SCAD, is working on 3D animation. I am a bit jealous. He hates it, but at least he has stuff he can work on. I find it is really hard to work on projects by yourself. I’ve never been good at that, but I supposed that since I’m older I would just suddenly be able to do that. It’s not true. I need motivation. All of the projects I want to work on for me, I’m not technicially able to work on. They are all too far out of my reach. That and I still can’t bring myself to model. Someone make me some cheap models and I will start animating. Bah.
So I don’t have any real rants. I’m tired of the mundane. I realized recently that I have truly lost the spirit to rebel. This corporate environment is killing me slowly. I’ve become bound by money, something I always hated and wanted to avoid. I still don’t think I put it number one, but it is definitely a higher rank on my list than before. I’ve made a ton of conscience efforts to see people and hang out. I haven’t spent a weekend at home in the past month. I was supposed to go to church Sunday with a friend, but I bailed. As always.
I can’t really bring myself to get out of my funk. I know I should, but again, I am having a hard to find something to fight for/against. I’m just feeling really apathetic towards life. Not in a depressed or suicidal way, just tired of putting myself in situations where I am the one struggling to do things or see people. Everyone seems to have their own routine now, and I did have one. But that routine is gone, so I feel sort of betrayed and like I don’t want to bring myself to accepting another routine.
I just need more motivation. Not that I don’t love my friends, but I have always been missing that one person who has such an influence on my life. I have met 2 people who have impacted me like no other. Heather Brown and my karate instructor Matt Hammonds. Both of these people have ridiculously helped me. Heather has always been a source of moral influence. I don’t know why or how, but whenever I’m around her, or just talk to her, even just on IM, I find a reason to struggle again. Now for many this has been means to say that I’m secretly madly in love with the girl. I’ve gotten this for over half a decade now. But it’s not like that. I couldn’t make this girl happy, at least not in that way. I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that she is someone I never want to lose. And I always make an effort to stay in touch.
Matt Hammonds was another huge influence. One of the most humble and lead by example guys I’ve met. All-be-it, I was young and people are different behind closed doors, but he really did help mold me and shape me into who I am, although I don’t think he would approve of the total genocide. I remember when I was a black belt, about 17, and he was sparring with us that day. I couldn’t fight him. I froze up completely. He’s a good fighter and all, but he also has a ton of control, so it’s not like he was going to hurt me. But I was petrified of attacking him based solely on respect for him. My body just wouldn’t use any real moves and my mind locked up. Only person who’s ever done that to me.
Anyways, this is enough of a rant. More to come later. The internets have failed me. Nothing super awesome to post. But I will post some good stuff next time. Promise.
Max,
You’re awesome and I should come up and hang out again…though I might not be able to this week because Teresa is out of town on spring break and I can’t legally drive her car. She’s visiting her mom. You’re welcome to come down here but then that’s getting into all that routine stuff you were mentioning.
You rock way harder than me at Mega Man 9 and I’ve also been thinking of picking up Burnout Paradise but it’ll be a month or two yet before I do. Motivation is the hardest problem I know of. Learning and working outside of school is really hard. And it’s hard in school if you can’t find a program that’s really doing what you want. I’m still working on the best way to solve that problem. We should do dinner or coffee one night this week. You know, something. Just try to actually shoot the shit maybe, instead of shooting some shit.
Additionally, I’ll just add that the spirit to rebel is important only if there’s a problem that needs solving. Now I would say that American Consumerism is some evil out of hand shit and there are plenty of other problems worth rebelling for. But we’ll get to that later. You can post stuff from the internet all you want but I really dig hearing about your past and some of your formative influences. I’d forgot you’d even taken Karate. Anyway, keep it up.